Talking to my girlfriends recently, it seems that September is the dating month. Wow I thought, great time to join a dating website. So I joined for a number of reasons 1. It gets me out of the house 2. I might actually meet someone decent and have some nice clean fun even though there is no chemistry 3.Who knows, I might just meet Mr Right.
I’ve been out of town with no access to email and was keen to find out if I had any correspondence to look forward to. I’ve been in contact with Mr Giant for about a week (he is over 6ft 5) who seems amiable, says the right things and makes me smile with his emails. I’ve always dreamt of dating a guy taller than me. I digress. As I perused my email, I thought wow ‘an email from a newbie’. On reading the content of the email errrmmm….I have no words but to publish right here…so here goes
VERY INTERSTED TO WORSHIP YOUR LOVELY BODY
I HOPE YOUr WILL BE INTERESTED AND UP FOR ME
BRINGING YOU TO THE TOP OF HAPPINESS CLOUD AND BEYOND
LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU
I am really not sure how to answer such an email. I mean perhaps if he can bring me to the top of happiness cloud, I should really give this guy a chance. I re-read his email again and again shaking my head knowing full well what my response to him would be. This guy is not looking to date. If this is his chat up line, his way of attracting women, God help us single ladies!!!! Based on the above email, I am certainly not keen to find out what he is looking for. I wish him luck with finding the ‘one’ but it sure ain’t me.
Right time for me to find a gentle way to let down Mr Desperate – he has been chasing me for over a year and I am trying to find a kind way to let him down as my lack of returning his calls doesn’t seemed to have worked. Wish me luck…over and out!!!
It’s that time of year when we tend to get in that reflective mood with accompanying thoughts about how we think the year has gone and how we proceed into the New Year.
I know I’ve been quiet for a number of months. Quiet because I’ve been a very busy bee – work, gym and sort of been dating someone. I say sort of because we’ve had our ups and downs like anyone who is trying to work on a relationship. It’s not been an easy road but is any relationship? Back to the subject matter at hand, my main reason for being here is that I find blogging a therapeutic means of exploring my thoughts and feelings about different situations mostly related to dating and relationships. I hope by continuing to share those experiences/feelings that someone somewhere will identify with the trials of the dating world particularly relationships resulting from internet dating.
I feel compelled to touch on a subject which has had me puzzled for a while – I wonder what relationships mean to men in general. I know there are men who are very direct about what they want in a relationship at the outset but they are very few and far in between. Generally my experience has been that men are pretty much indecisive about relationships. There are a number of questions which come to the fore, for example; When are you formally ‘in a relationship’ with your lady? Is it when you have done ‘the deed’ or is it after a number of months? At what point do men want to admit that they are or are not in a relationship? Why is it so hard to define what kind of relationship you would like to have at the outset? In the real world of dating, women really aren’t that complex. If a man declares at the outset that all he wants is a casual relationship where he can see her once a month, at least the woman can make an informed decision as to whether it is the type of relationship she wants to be in. Perhaps it is but at least both parties are on the same page while it serves their purpose to be in that type of relationship.
I’ve touched on this subject as I have been a source of comfort for a dear female friend of mine over the Christmas season (it is the worst time and best time to be in a relationship apparently) and her issue is that she doesn’t know where she stands with the guy she has been dating for 6 months. His work is his life – apparently. Hmmmm….cue alarm bells but I wasn’t about to say this to her as she has to reach this conclusion on her own. A guy who can’t define what he wants from you after ‘dating’ for 6 months is not ready and will never be ready to be in a relationship with you or even another woman for that matter. So what does she know about this guy after 6 months? What he supposedly does for a job and errrrmmm…his name? In short, she knows nothing about him, his life, his family, where he lives…nada…nothing. Their communication has more or less stopped yet she doesn’t feel he is taking her for granted and thinks he needs time. My personal views aren’t relevant here but there are 3 things which would end a relationship for me as they are in no particular order 1) where there is very little or no communication 2) if I am being taken for granted. 3) cheating/lying
I know I have said this in previous blogs and if I haven’t I will say it again, life is too short to spend it doing things you don’t want to do. When you look back on your life 1, 5,10, 20, 30 years from now, is this what you want to remember? Isn’t it about have good moments and good memories to reflect on hopefully with that special someone?
She knows she needs to make a decision soon and I think she will arrive at the right conclusion. My brother said to me, if a man truly wants to be with you and want you in his life, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. To her and to everyone who is in the same situation, life can be equally as good as a single girl/boy. Here’s to 2014 and making right decision.
Why why why!!! Recently a friend of mine met someone she really liked. They flirted (as one does) and exchanged text messages, etc…etc…etc. When I last saw her, I could tell that she liked him. I was teasing her about meeting someone who had caught her interest. She has discerning taste in men and I was very pleased that she had met her match. Roll on a few weeks later, she is no longer in contact with him. Why I ask, no reason she says. He suddenly stopped all contact.
Now this has happened to me before and it has left me with a number of questions about men in general. Boy meets girl, boy flirts with girl, boy goes on a date with girl, boy flirts a little bit more with girl, boy asks girl on another date….then silence? WHY???? Why is it so difficult for the male species to be honest. I know I have said this in a previous blog but I am at a loss as to why men don’t feel they can tell the truth. I know this is true of my female friends who have been in this situation before – we all want to know why. I promise that we will not self destruct or hate you (perhaps hate sounds a tad crazy) anymore than we do already.
My point is the truth may hurt but we still want to hear it….all of it. I really won’t break (not in front of him anyway) being told the truth. I get that communication is a huge issue for men (ok I know I am generalising but you are getting my point I am sure). I find it intriguing that men (and women sometimes) feel this method of saying ‘It’s over’ is the best way of communicating that this is the end of the road. Personally, I am impressed by a man with backbone, a man who can be honest and speak his mind.
Ah well, I guess there will always be Mars and Venus mindsets.
Onwards and forwards
There are so many ‘hidden’ ‘unspoken’ rules of dating and finding your way through the mire is confusing at the best of times. It is a wonder that anyone gets together these days despite all the aid available to assist us in our question to find that illusive love.
Well by some amazing fluke, I’ve managed to get to date no. 4 (yes I am still counting). The date went well (according to me). We re-hashed…sorry wrong word, we spoke about our previous dates and the fun we’ve had. He told me he fancied me and well…I was kinda speechless. Its not often that I have nothing to say but I was surprised. Once I got over the initial surprise, we talked about our dreams and expectations. The date progressed like a dream; you know the kind of date where you hold hands and have that stolen kiss here and there. He seemed wow’ed (to use his own words) by me. I guess all those sit-ups and hours on the spin bike was worth it!!!
After what seemed like a dream date, I walked away fairly certain that I definitely wanted to get to know my dream date. Thinking about it, we actually arranged date no. 5 before we even arrange date no. 4….hhmmm. Who cares!!! Fantastic I thought. I was walking on air and so pleased that the date went so well.
And then my mind went to overdrive after the date. I started to recall some of our conversations. Something about meeting his mum….wasn’t that too soon? When is too soon? I know we’ve only had 4 dates but we have ‘known’ each other for 3 months….hmmmm….4 dates in 3 months??? Suddenly that doesn’t sound so good right? Either way, it got me thinking about how long is long enough. When is that first kiss appropriate, when is getting intimate appropriate, meeting the family, going to his place, him coming over to my place, going on holiday together, when is dating no longer dating, when does it move from I want to date you exclusively to being in a relationship, is there actually a difference between the two? I could go on but you get my drift. My point is I am sure men don’t think in that way (I am assuming guys, correct me if I am wrong). I guess the female genre from Venus will sometimes think about what is deemed appropriate and I suppose that all depends on how you feel about the guy in question, particularly if is he not ‘short-term’ material.
Is there a right answer to any of those questions? I don’t think so. Sometimes all you can do is to trust your female intuition.
Over and out!!!
.….from Mars?? At least this is the title of a famous book which talks about the differences between men and women. I know I am stating the obvious but until now, I am not sure how much I believed this. I’ve been on 3 dates (I promise I am not counting) with a certain gentleman. It never occurred to me that by date no. 3, it means that the guy is interested in you and likes you. In true female style, I didn’t think anything of the 3 dates (nothing significant). I mean, after all, it was only 3 dates!!! Actually, if I am picky, date no. 1 was just coffee for an hour so was that a real date? So actually, date no. 3 was really date no. 2. Hmmm…I digress.
So when said gentleman asked me how I felt about him, I was kinda flippant (funny flippant) with my reply. After all, we had only been on 3 dates (yes I know I am really counting). I replied that it was great and I hoped that we would see each other again. The art of communication between men from Mars and women on Venus makes it rather difficult at times to decipher that very communicado. When I am at the ‘getting to know you’ phase in any ‘relationship’ (I use that term loosely), I try not to make any assumptions about anything. What you might perceive to be a relationship (from a woman’s point of view), might actually be a casual fling to him. My point is I have learnt to never make assumptions about anything pertaining to relationships and men.
So, moving on to how he has interpreted the 3 dates (yes I am still counting). In his eyes, if he has taken a woman out 3 times, he is interested in dating her. Really?? Sometimes I am curious about the workings of a man’s mind. To all the guys out there reading my blog, can you please tell me if that’s how it works in Martian land? I spoke with a couple of my girlfriends about this and they agreed that 3 dates does not maketh a relationship neither is it confirmation that the guy is interested in going on further dates.
As a goddess from Venus, I guess that has been my problem all along. I always seem to miss those all important signs where men are concerned. Even at my prime time of life, I have great difficulty deciphering whether he is interested or not. In my youth it was even more of a mystery as I could never tell if a guy is interested in me particularly if he is being subtle as subtlety was never my forte. I am the kinda gal that wants a guy to say what means – in plain English. Yes the sledgehammer approach works for me every time.
So guys, regardless of the number of dates you’ve been on with a lady. Just tell her what you mean – in plain English.
Over and out
..if you are black or white? They say love has no boundaries; or does it? It is interesting to note that the world we live in today means that potentially we can fall in love with someone hundreds of miles away or just next door. That someone could be from any nationality as long as they’ve made that connection that we are looking for, that’s the most important thing.
I used to prefer dating men of colour, men from my background, my race. My thing was that he would understand culturally where I was coming from, we would have the same ideas about life, etc. I have been in an interracial/mixed race or any other combination of words you care to use to describe the relationship with someone outside of my race. I vowed after that relationship that I would only ever date a brotha – yes a black man. Yes I know that sounds rather narrow-minded but don’t we all make those broad sweeping statements after any bad relationship?
Roll forward a few years on; I have gone on dates with men of different denominations and races. I hate generalising as I feel we are all unique and bring different qualities to the table. However, there are some things which I have been encountered while dating men of different races. For example, why is it when I date a black guy that the first date is always coffee which I inevitably end up paying for? Why is it when a white guy asks me out, that we always go out to dinner instead of coffee? I am putting these out there because the approach couldn’t be more different. When a white guy wants to go on a date, it feels like he is asking not demanding? I could go on but I hope you are getting my point.
I’m not saying that the opposite hasn’t happened with both races, however inevitably I can guarantee that if I am asked out by a black guy, there will be some sort of complication. A few years ago, I remember being ask out by a brotha. He was tall, broad, very gentle, said all the right words and right things at the time. We followed ‘the protocol’; email, phone and then agreed to meet up at a mutually agreed time. This is looking good I thought. He booked a lovely restaurant for dinner (unusual I thought but worst things have happened I thought at the time). Unfortunately, he seemed to have forgotten his wallet at home that particular day.
Perhaps my aura is attracting the wrong kind of guys…perhaps my aura is attracting white guys. Who knows!!! However, as I have grown older and wiser, the one thing which has become clear to me is that I don’t care what the colour of a guy’s skin is. I am open to the possibility of finding love and my concern is about how he will treat me and to have that all important connection with him.
My search continues….onwards and forwards
There are many things in life that causes a woman and a man to have that ‘wow’ moment. The moment when your eyes meet and there are sparks. The sort of sparks that leaves you wanting to know more, see more, want more, experience more.
I spend a fair bit of my time at the gym de-stressing. Yes I said de-stressing. I have moments when the gym is the place to let all the emotions of the day dissipate and go on its merry way. I also have moments when I think perhaps I should use the time in the gym to melt away those pounds but I guess that would require a level of dedication from me. However, whatever my altruistic reason for visiting the gym is, I can honestly promise it is never to find a potential partner. In fact, in my female mind, I believe it is the worst possible place for meeting a prospective mate. However, based on some of the material I have read about dating, apparently it is one of the best places to meet a guy – must have been written by a man 😉
Back to the reason for this blog. As you can imagine, there are all sorts of jaw dropping, muscle ripping, well defined bodies littered in various corners of the gym (hey a girl can admire from a distance). You name it, tall short, broad, slim well built men everywhere. Dating a guy who is a gym freak can be a good thing but all I can imagine is him being that voice in my head all the time that would go on about calorie counting, good carbs, burning fat, protein drinks…yes you get the picture. Now lets get one thing straight, I am not saying that every man in the gym will behave in that manner but I have been in a brief relationship with a gym freak and it was a pleasure to see the back of him – eventually.
So picture this; at the beginning of the year, I was at the gym, living up to one of my new years resolution when this fine handsome fit young man smiled at me aka Mr Buff. I acknowledged his smile and moved into gym mode. Gym mode is when my headset is on max, I’ve warmed up sufficiently and done about 100 stomach crunches – okay maybe not 100 but it feels like it. All my gym buddies will tell you, once I am in gym mode, its like having a ‘do not disturb’ sign on. Mr Buff seemed to be stalking me. I say stalking because it is a fairly big gym with lots of equipment and space. However he always seemed to end up in my vicinity but I am sure it was just a weird coincidence. Cue the start of my Zumba class; time to shake away some fat off my bootilicious self. Moving swiftly to the end of my class having shaken my sweaty bootilicious self almost to oblivion, I start to head to the changing room and could hear this high pitched voice saying hello. Yes you guessed right, it was Mr Buff. I’m not sure how to react; was that voice from Mr Buff or was he putting it on? Wait, should I pretend I didn’t hear him and do one of two things 1) walk off or 2) say ‘Pardon me’. I decided on the latter. Yes that voice was speaking again and it was coming from Mr Buff. Wow, the voice just did not match this big butch handsome guy standing in front of me. I’ll be honest, I can’t remember what I replied back to him but I remember mumbling something about being in a hurry.
Days later, I was still thinking about ‘the voice’. Is the way a guy speaks a deal breaker? Do all women think that way? Is it essential to get that manly voice to feel attracted to him? Hmmmm…I guess it never occurred to me that this is important to me until that moment. Either way, I’m am pleased to report (so far), I’ve not seen Mr Buff. The search goes on….
Over and out